Having a young teenager is hard enough as it is… now, being the parent of a young gymnast could be your biggest challenge yet.
In this post, you will discover my perspective on how to build rapport and win the battle without trying to win the war.
You will learn to make them feel your present instead of generating pressure or false expectations.
(A quick note: All the information I send is NOT created with ChatGPT, though it may be edited with it for structural and grammatical purposes.)
Building a relationship is not easy. Let alone with your kids.
Our kids don’t see it that way. They still don’t understand what the word really means… and the importance of a relationship with their parents. Why should they? We have treated them as the boss since they were born…
We are their sponsors, cooks, drivers, teachers, wannabe friends when needed and their worst enemy when we put our foot down… then they ask for money.
So now we may be feeling like we are stepping on eggshells and all we get from a «how was your day?» is a «good»…as a response.
Why should they share more?
Think of it on your side… when you come back from work, and they ask you, how was your day? Do you answer with all the details or do you just say «good» so that you don’t have to talk about it?
So if we’re on the same boat, how do we improve this relationship?
Let me explain it to you like this: When you stepped into the relationship with your partner, YOU chose to do so… it was your decision.. it was not imposed on you… (if you are the exception, this does not apply to you)… and at one moment you understood that the goal of a relationship is to add value to it.. that you are not the relationship. If you don’t add value to it… it just won’t work.
I have a question for you… at what age did you learn this? You were probably a bit older than the age they are at right now… and you probably learned this the hard way.. meaning that you had to screw up a couple of times before understanding how it works.
So to be clear… what I am trying to say is that you are not IN a relationship, because they don’t know they are in it. You are just their parents… and until they understand the rules of how to be in a relationship, they will keep on being the boss of you and you the unhappy employee that goes to work because he doesn’t have a choice.
If you don’t believe me… Do the following experiment… ask him or her:
«What is a relationship to you?»
My bet is they will say.. «emmmm I don’t know.»
My goal for you is to teach them indirectly about relationships through your actions. And you do that not with a big talk, but by doing these small things, so that they choose and learn to build a better relationship with you.
A relationship isn’t a checklist. It’s that safe feeling your kid gets in their gut that says, «My parent gets me.«
Start building it with the following steps:
1. Shut up and listen. Really listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
2. Their feelings are real. Even if it seems silly to you, it’s real to them. Start from there.
3. Be there. I mean really there. Phone away. Eyes on them.
4. Do what you say you will do. This is how trust is built, brick by brick.
5. Talk to them, not at them. Share a little about your own life and struggles.
6. Get curious about their world. What games do they like? What music? Show you care.
7. Find your little thing. A walk at night with the dog, special ice cream day, something that’s just your routine.
8. Say you’re sorry when you mess up. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you real.
9. Be their anchor, not their boss. Guide them, but let them figure some things out.
10. Cheer for the try, not just the win. Praise the hard work, the courage. That’s what lasts.
11. Understand and respect their pre-competition mental routine.(I will share with you more about this later on).
Think of it like this:
What you’re building now is the FOUNDATION.
You are showing them what a good relationship feels like through your actions. You are the model.
* When you listen, you show them how to listen.
* When you respect their feelings, you show them what respect is.
* When you apologize, you show them how to repair a connection.
They didn’t choose us. We placed them in this relationship. So the goal isn’t to just BE a good parent. The goal is to make the relationship so safe and valuable that they choose to keep building it with us, especially when they’re older and have a choice.
We’re not just building a foundation for them. We’re building a connection with them, so they actively want to stay in it. It’s the difference between a house they live in, and a home they always want to come back to.
***
I know you just want them to be safe, happy, and to have a wonderful life. But it’s important for you to be happy, too.
Let me ask you this: when your kids have a «broken heart,» what do you want them to do? Do you want them to talk to you about it, or would you prefer they hide it and try to fix it alone?
I promise you, if you start little by little, you will get what you truly desire from this journey. They will feel they are in a safe space where they can share anything with you… especially when times get tough.
I encourage your comments. Please like and share if this resonated with you and if you need a talk, dont hesitate on reaching out to me.
Dedicated to your success,
Coach Mateo